Getting married to a Zulu girl?
The process
This is a complicated process that varies depending on where you live. Different locations have different ways of doing things, however here is what happens where I come from;
1. Lobola negotiations
When a man wishes to marry in the Zulu culture, he first must secure money to pay for ilobola and the cows thereof.
He has to discuss it with his family and decide who to send to the bride’s family for lobola negotiations. Others send their uncles, or brothers or even his own father to be part of the negotiations.
It is customary to let the bride’s family know that they are coming so as for them to be prepared for their arrival.
The groom’s delegation has to arrive early in the morning usually before sunrise, they do not enter the bride’s homestead but they chant clan names and praises of the bride’s family and let them know why they are there and how many cows they already have.
It is usual for the bride’s family not to respond quickly so as to see if the groom’s delegation is serious about their daughter, if they are serious about her, they will wait and show respect.
A member of the bride’s family will go to welcome them and lead them to the room where negotiations will take place.
Upon arrival usually, they will wait to be shown where to sit or else a penalty will have to be paid if they sat without being offered a place to sit. Usually they are asked to sit on traditional Zulu mats(amacansi) until they have paid the first amount to begin negotiations called (imvulamlomo). The bride’s family will not speak to them until that amount which is determined by the groom’s family is paid.
After settling that, usually they are asked to sit on chairs or a couch. Other families would carry out the entire negotiations with the groom’s delegation still sitting on the floor and then allow them to be on chairs after all negotiations have been completed.
During this process it is traditional that a virgin girl is worth 11 cows unless if she comes from the royal family, if she is no longer a virgin 1 cow will be deducted, 1 more cow will be deducted if she has a child, if she has 2 children 2 cows will be deducted and so on.
In the past live cows were used however nowadays money is used instead of cows.
The first cows’ value will determine the rest of the cows as the first one must be the most expensive one. If the first cows’ cost R15 000 for example the following cows will decrease by an amount negotiated, the last cow will be the cheapest.
It might be considered an insult to pay for all of these cows in cash, the groom’s delegation has to negotiate a cheaper price no matter how little is the amount the bride’s family is asking for to show some respect not to flash his wealth to them.
Others may not afford all of these cows before asking for a wedding date, therefore negotiations may determine after how many cows can the wedding date be set.
The bride’s family will also ask for specific gifts from the groom’s family in the form of a list, usually things that they need, the parents of the bride also get to ask for their specific gifts like pots, a hat, a suit, clothes for the bride’s siblings, and blankets, (amaphinifa) and towels for the entire bride’s family. Other gifts that they usually request can be money for specific things, a refrigerator, a water tank etc., it can be anything that a family need. Other families even ask for a horse.
After all these have been negotiated and agreements reached families will together enjoy a special feast and drinks.
The bride’s family will then accompany the groom’s delegation to their cars with gifts including a crate of beers, Zulu beer, a basket of sweets and other goodies for the groom’s mother etc. Others may bring this basket during uMbondo ceremony later.
2. Umembeso / izibizo
The groom will purchase gifts specified in the list his delegation brought back from the negotiations, he will also purchase some groceries and return to the bride’s homestead with his family to present these gifts to the bride’s family we call that ceremony UMembeso. These gifts will also include sheep and goats as asked for by the bride’s family.
They will also bring a traditional attire for their bride to wear, they will actually dress their bride in a way that they want her to dress when she comes to their homestead.
The bride’s family has to welcome the groom’s parents each with a goat or a sheep, they will also welcome the main negotiator from the groom’s side with a sheep or goat as well. They also have to welcome the groom with a goat, slaughter it and attach the bile to the groom to return home with it.
Other couples take this time to host an engagement party. The families may further their negotiations and the groom may pay more cows if he wishes to.
3. Umbondo
This is the chance for the bride to go and see the groom’s homestead, she will bring gifts for the groom’s family much more like the gifts of uMembeso, she has to bring blankets, amaphinifa, and towels and some groceries, and a stove to the groom’s family.
She will be welcomed with a goat and the bile attached to her as well.
The bride’s father can take this chance to see the remaining live cows in the kraal, he also has to be welcomed with a goat or a sheep. The older brother of the bride has to be welcomed with a goat as well or a sheep.
4. White wedding traditional wedding
The white wedding is carried on as usual with the priest conducting the wedding and then the reception party.
Then the following day the main negotiator from the groom’s side has to wake up at dawn and head to the bride’s homestead to fetch the bride, they will report to her ancestors that she is now leaving to be a wife, her family will have slaughtered a goat to report that as well a day before for her. At dawn the main negotiator will come to collect the bride along with her things including clothes and all other belongings. They will also take her with the kiest that symbolizes that she will never return even if she dies, she will be buried at the groom’s homestead.
They will arrive with her in her white wedding gown she will change into the traditional attire and she will be welcomed to her new home with a goat.
The bride’s family will present their groom with a cow and the groom’s family will present their bride with a cow also. Cows will be slaughtered and cooked, families will exchange halves of their cows with each other.
The bride will them present blankets, amaphinifa and towels to the groom’s family, traditional wedding games are usually played and traditional songs sang.
The bride still has to do a traditional Zulu dance with a spear on her hand in front of her mother-in-law accompanied by her delegation of girls and she will spear it down on to the floor in front of her mother-in-law. She will give thanks and accept the spear and give her some money.
The sequence of these activities varies from family to family.
